Hi {!firstname_fix}

Here is your newest copy of our new online newsletter. We have added some new items this week. I am always interested in your input. Please feel free to pass it on to your friends and family.

Warmly,


*********************************************************************

December 15, 2003
** Quote From Kathleen **

Learning to say *no* starts from the inside out.


********************************************************************

** Testimonial for the Week**

Monday was my five year anniversary on this program. The program is so much a part of me now that I can't imagine living any other way. When I think back to who I was before I started this program, I can't even believe I was the same person.

I was an emotional, strong willed child, at least at home. Outside of the house, I was a very shy child who never quite fit in with the other kids. I usually managed to have one or two close friends, but that was all, and I wasn't very good at having acquaintances. I had symptoms of low BE all my life, but things didn't get really bad until I was 13. That was when my depression and self hatred started. I was always depressed. Some times were better than others, but it was always there. There were a few times in college and my early 20's where I might have ended my life, except that somewhere inside, I knew things would get better eventually, and also I believed in reincarnation, and I was afraid that if I ended this life, I'd have to repeat the same kind of life, so I thought I should just stick with it and get it over with. Hardly a good attitude to have about life!

I always felt left out of any group. I always felt like people didn't like me. I always had a negative attitude. I was addicted to bad relationships and always picked men who were not available. If they didn't already have a girlfriend, they were unavailable emotionally. That way, I could play out the rejection/abandonment story over and over. And every time I did, I'd dredge up every past similar experience and stir them up in my head and even embellish them to torture myself emotionally so I could get a big BE spike. I'd also replay arguments, or make up fights in my head, where I'd say bitter, hurtful things about myself and so would the imaginary participant in the fight. I also had this internal dialogue going on in my head all the time, either obsessing about or overanalyzing every little interaction with people, or saying horrible things about myself. Also, I took everything personally. The slightest criticism hurt my feelings horribly. I was always trying to be perfect so that no one could criticize me. And if someone said something negative about me, I'd automatically believe it was true.

Finally, after a really painful addictive love affair, I decided I was ready to try to do something about my problems. Before that, I'd denied I had a problem, because I was so scared. I wanted desperately to be normal, so I was in total denial. So, I tried to get help. I did personal development workshops and retreats. I joined a therapy group for people who put themselves down all the time. I went on Prozac. I read tons of self help books. But no matter how hard I tried to apply what I learned, I couldn't. I remember trying to have a positive attitude, and only being able to do it for an hour or so, and then I'd be back to being negative, and hating myself because I couldn't stay positive. And in the therapy group, the other people all had these awful abusive childhoods, but I didn't. So I had compassion for them, but I just beat up on myself more, because I must be some kind of super wimp to be emotionally like people who were abused as children.

So, at the age of 39, I had hit bottom . I had suspected for years that I was going to hit my stride in my 40's, and I was determined to feel better when I hit 40. In addition to the emotional issues, I also was having blood sugar crashes every couple of hours unless I ate something, and on a diet of sugar and caffeine, I was either totally hyper, or practically comatose. My massage therapist suggested the Zone diet, because she said I wasn't eating enough protein. I bought the book, figured out that I'd have to eat browns instead of whites and go off sugar to get enough food, and changed my eating habits. I felt awful for a week, but then I started to feel better. I didn't mind giving up sugar, because I told myself I could have it in social situations or for special occasions since I wasn't trying to lose weight. (I wasn't eating huge amounts of sugar, but I'd been eating it at regular intervals through the day. Most of my BE spiking was from behaviors and not sugar.)

Three weeks later, I was invited to a friend's house. I ate the old way - lots of snack food, champagne, a couple of desserts, coffee. Wow! It hit me like a ton of bricks. I got a bad headache, got really tired, and went home and yelled at my pets all evening. The next day I had an awful hangover. What a clear illustration of how bad sugar made me feel! I'd never noticed it before because I ate it at such regular intervals. I knew I had to either always eat sugar or never eat it, and I felt so much better off of it that I decided not to eat it.

A couple of weeks later, I read about Kathleen's first book, PnP, in Christianne Northrup's newsletter. It sounded like the answer to the question that had been plaguing me for years - what is wrong with me? I went to a bookstore to check out the book. In chapter 3, I saw a chart of the symptoms of low beta endorphin, and it listed everything I most hated about myself. What a liberating moment!

So, I switched from doing the Zone to PnP, worked my way through the steps, and here I am, 5 years later and a totally different person. The voices in my head are gone, I don't have fake fights in my head or torture myself emotionally, I have a positive attitude without trying. I don't take everything personally. Hey, sometimes I don't fit into a particular group, and that's ok. But I don't feel like an outsider in every group the way I used to. I make friends more easily. Now, if someone offers feedback about how I could do something better, I don't fall apart and feel like a failure. And if someone says something negative, I evaluate it and decide whether what they said is true. Sometimes it is, and sometimes it's more about them than it is about me. And just because someone else doesn't like something about me doesn't mean I have to change. Also, about a 18 months into the program, I really began to understand about beta endorphin. At that point, I realized that most of my BE spiking behaviors had vanished on their own, and I recognized the others and could work on them.

The best thing is, that now I love life and I love myself. Life used to be something I had to endure. Now I enjoy it. I see beauty all around me. I don't need some huge exciting event to feel happy. Just the little every day things that are around us all the time make me happy. And things just keep getting better. I keep growing and changing, and life keeps opening up. Recovery is a never ending process of discovery.

Allison

********************************************************************

** Your Last Diet: More Than What You Think**

I know you think that YLD is just about losing weight, yes?

Nope :-) There are all sorts of other goodies in there. Come on and check out the chat topics and see what we explore.

Then come join us and get in on the action!

http://www.radiantrecovery.com/YLD_signup.htm


********************************************************************

** Featured Product **

Soymilk Maker
I have one. it makes the best soymilk I have ever had. I didn't know about these appliances until I went to the national trade show last year. They had one cooking milk. I stopped and tasted the milk. It knocked my socks off. And I think it costs about $.20 a quart. It takes 11 minutes and I love the smell.

Radiant Recovery Store

********************************************************************

** Science Tip **

I am commandeering the *science* slot this week. I wanted to share a little thought I had.

I HATE the term *lurking* (smile)...I think we need to delete it from our community vocabulary and replace it with *listening*.

Lurking sounds so sinister to me, bordering on voyeuristic.

Listening sounds proactive and participatory.

Want to play in making the change? Write me on the lists!

Warmly,
Kathleen

********************************************************************

** Featured Topic**

You CAN say NO
by Kathleen DesMaisons, Ph.D.

Margot Silk Forest is one of my most favorite people in the world. She taught me how to graciously say *no*. I think this is a great time of year to hear it again! I have included her list of 42 ways to say No right here.

42 Ways to Say “No”
(or buy time until you can)
especially during the holiday season!

by Margot Silk Forrest
author of A Short Course in Kindness


A lot of us have difficulty saying “No.” This list, offered with compassion and a little humor, will help you get comfortable with turning people down, refusing to answer nosy or offensive questions, asking people to stop doing something you don’t like, and telling others you disagree them.

As you develop your “No” muscles, see if you can shift from saying “I can’t” to forthrightly saying “I won’t.” Also try exchanging “I don’t want you to…” for “Don’t….” You will feel vastly more empowered -- and have more time for yourself and the people you really care about when you do.


When Someone Asks You To Do Something For Them or With Them

1. The enthusiastic (polite/helpful/etc.) part of me would like to say yes, but the rest of me is overcommitted (more realistic/unwilling/etc.).
2. I don't know. I'll have to think that over.
3. I wish I could help you out, but I’m overextended/overcommitted right now.
4. I'm going to pass. I'm really trying to slow down my pace these days.
5. That’s something I’ll have to think about.
6. I don't have my calendar with me, but I can call and let you know tomorrow.
7. Sorry, I'm already booked.
8. No, I can't make it after all. But it was nice of you to ask.
9. I’ll think it over.
10. Thanks, but I'm way too tired.
11. No, that's not really my thing.
12. Don't hold your breath!
13. I have an appointment that day/night. (And you don’t have to say what it is!)
14. That’s not for me, thanks.
15. Oh, that sounds interesting. Let me think about it and get back to you.
16. I'm not sure if I'm free that day/night. Let me check and call you tomorrow.
17. Sorry, but my schedule is too full right now.
18. The part that wants to make you happy wants to say yes, but the rest of me won the vote. I'll pass.
19. Thanks, but I don't think I will.
20. That’s not really something I enjoy.
21. That doesn't work for me.
22. That doesn't fit for me.
23. When you want to have some fun saying no, try one of these:
      Not in this lifetime! Forget it! Dream on! No way, Jose!
       You must be kidding! Not in a million years!    Are you out of your mind?

When Someone Does, Asks, or Says or Asks Something Invasive

24. I'm not comfortable with that.
25. I'd like to ask you not to _________________________________.
26. I'd like you to stop __________________________________.
27. Please stop doing that. I don’t like it.
28. I'm uncomfortable right now with what you're saying/doing.
29. That’s not something I talk about except with family.
30. Let’s talk about something else.
31. I want to keep that to myself.
32. That's my business.
33. I'm surprised you think you have a right to that information.
34. I don't feel like talking about it.
35. And you are asking me this because… ?? (Try saying this with a look of utter disbelief.)
36. Sorry, that's not something I talk about.
37. I never answer questions like that.

When Someone Says Something You Disagree With

38. I see it differently than you do.
39. We certainly don't agree about that.
40. I have a different point of view.
41. My experience of _______________________ is somewhat different.
42. I hear what you are saying, but I don’t agree with it.

Copyright © 2003 by Margot Silk Forrest
If you would like a decorated poster you can hang on the wall, click here for a PDF file. You will need Adobe Acrobat to read it.

And if you want to read more of her work, we carry her little book called Kindness. Margot Silk Forrest helped me learn to write. She is one of the most kind, caring and intelligent woman I know. This little, bitty book is a wealth of advice. Would that we could all live the way Margot does!!!