My trip was wonderful, although driving up and back in one day was a killer, LOL. We will be designing material for the women's treatment center to use with the clients. And we are looking at how to move from junk food and soda to healthy foods and then to traditional foods. I think we are going to really have fun. I have started my private practice. The ad is in the yellow pages. And pretty quickly I learned that we need some resources for the folks who live with active addicts and alcoholics. We set up a new group called Radiant Family And Friends. I will write more about this in today's article. I am postponing the beginning of new classes this week while I catch up from my trip to Minnesota. We have posted an updated schedule, so check it to see what might fit for you now or when your class begins if you've already signed up. Please note if you are going to join the IBD class, go ahead and order a copy of Breaking the Vicious Cycle because we will be referencing it. A number of you have asked me how the classes work. Check the class list page for more information on this. The classes are done online with one lesson each day. You do not have to be at your computer at any set time. Please note that we have added the classes to the new schedule so you can see what is coming up. I will also be adding the Sex and Sugar class into the schedule. It will be renamed, The Art of Intimacy in Recovery, so watch for it. And go read the questions and answers before you write to me. The classes are done online with one lesson each day. You do not have to be at your computer at any set time. If you have trouble getting through the process, write the tech forum. Please feel free to pass this week's newsletter on to your friends and family. Don't forget to let me know what you like and would like to see me cover. Be sure to visit our Radiant Recovery® website and Community Forum regularly. Warmly, Kathleen **********************************************************************
February 6, 2006 ** Quote From Kathleen **
Rather than responding to problems or roadblocks with tears, you will start anticipating and solving problems. This is the true mark of recovering - seeing challenges as opportunities to learn more. *********************************************************************
** Testimonial for the Week**
Good morning everyone, My youngest daughter Grace is in 1st grade and I have always packed her lunch because the hot lunches at the school she goes to are not very program friendly. I was looking at the menu for February and noticed there were about 4 lunches for the whole month that Grace could actually eat. So I signed her up for those days. Yesterday was the first day. They were serving a hamburger with roasted potatoes and fresh fruit. I told Grace to just take off the bun. She was so happy to be able to eat hot lunch at school. She talked about it all last week, "I'm gong to eat hot lunch on Wednesday". Well, when she came home I asked her about it and she was very satisfied with herself. She said "Mom, I ate the whole thing." I asked her if she took the bun off and she said," yes!" I never saw a kid get so excited about hot lunch before, lol. I'm glad it worked out though as I think it just gives Grace more examples of how we can do the food but still be a part of whatever is going on. I am teaching her how to make choices. So I will see what we have on the menu for March, LOL. Janie ********************************************************************
**Recipe of the Week**
I just love green beans, they have to be my favorite vegetable. Hope you enjoy them, too! Sesame Green Beans
********************************************************************
**Your Last Diet: More Than What You Think**
Last week's chat talked about the meaning of YLD. I thought it would be fun for you to see what Chat is like. Here is an excerpt. I have changed the names of the participants. See if you can find yourself. Except the leadership names are the same. "radiantkd" and I realized that all of YLD is about looking deeper" "radiantkd" ...."and making sense of internalizing change" "radiantkd" ...."you see the early steps are pretty structured, yes?" "radiantkd" ...."yes, the thinking is the crucial part of YLD" "Vicki_G" ...."just not what her sugar sensitive body needed" "radiantkd" ...."it is the seeing the big picture more" "Vicki_G" ...."yes" "radiantkd" ...."I think that is the difference" "Coleen" ...."But also that by sharing the experience, it gives each of us insight" "radiantkd" ...."because of chat, you experience both beginners and skilled folks" "Byron" ...."instead of reducing our whole selves to one flaw" "gretel" ...."I think the exercises talked about in the book help do this" "radiantkd" ...."dialoguing" "radiantkd" ...."yes, gretel, I think so" "Joy" ...."Gretel, the YLD book?" "Vicki_G" ...."I agree Gretel" "radiantkd" ...."I think the process of the weight loss class opens people up" "gretel" ...."yes, the weight loss class is amazing" "radiantkd" ...."it is the process that is amazing" "radiantkd" ...."the essence is look at the shame" "radiantkd" ...."see what is behind it" "gretel" ...."yah, the deep sharing of that" "Vicki_G" ...."and the foundation class is doing some awesome things too" "radiantkd" ...."reconnect with the skills" "radiantkd" ...."the foundation class is having fun" "radiantkd" ...."it is like a? big party" "radiantkd" ...."when the skilled people share, everyone grows" "radiantkd" ...."yes?" "Byron" ...."your assignments are helping folks to be more independent, too" "gretel" ...."yes" "Mable." ...."definitely!!" "Marnie" ...."there is some nice spillover to other lists from foundation" "radiantkd" ....";-) yes Byron" "radiantkd" ...."I agree" "Byron" ...."it really is building a foundation :)" "radiantkd" ...."exactly" "Vicki_G" ...."Marnie, I think the people from YLD help all the other lists" "radiantkd" ...."and when people feel skilled and safe, they will take more risks" "Marnie" ...."yes, Vicki" "Byron" ...."yep" "radiantkd" ...."yes, vicki, here is what I think is amazing" "Marcie" ...."things that felt risky before become manageable" "radiantkd" ...."usually the fat people are the lowest on the totem pole" "radiantkd" ...."the outcasts" "radiantkd" ...."right" "Vicki_G" ...."not any more!" "Judi" ...."is it too late to join foundation????? I want some of that" "radiantkd" ...."so we are literally transforming the code at a cellular level" "Vicki_G" ...."next class, Carol!? LOL" "radiantkd" ...."do you see what I mean" "radiantkd" ...."you take the shame" "radiantkd" ...."and you find the skill" "radiantkd" ...."so the fat shall lead LOLOL" "radiantkd" ...."it makes me smile" "Judi" ....":) ok Vicki" "Alexa" ....":)" "Marnie" ...."well, I feel like our people in foundation are discovering the steadiness in themselves" "Joy" ...."I'll be there with you, Carol.? :)" "radiantkd" ...."those of us who have been demeaned and made invisible" "Judi" ...."yay Joy!" "Byron" ...."maybe we should spell it phat LOL" "Joy" ...."LOL Byron" "Marnie" ...."phunny, Byron" "Vicki_G" ...."no Byron, we call it like it is" "radiantkd" ...."is this too intense for you guys" "radiantkd" ...."you just totally got rowdy LOL" "Marnie" ...."noooooo" "Mable." ...."no" "Jan_A" ...."nope-fine here" "Joon" ...."nono, go on Marcieleen" "Brenda" ...."no" "Elaine" ...."not at all" "lise_a." ...."no" "Joy" ...."nope" "Coleen" ...."no moon out?" "radiantkd" ...."you are cracking me up" "Stacey" ...."no" "Judi" ....";)" "Byron" ...."just feeling empowered :)" "radiantkd" ...."you take the low life and make them leaders" "gretel" ...."this is the joy of YLD!!!" "radiantkd" ...."how kewl is that!" "radiantkd" ...."exactly" "radiantkd" ...."empower fatties" "Judi" ...."now we are Radiant Revolution!!" "radiantkd" ...."BEFORE they lose weight" "Vicki_G" ...."give those of us with no self esteem the power to break through" "radiantkd" ...."can you see the irony of this" "Mable." ...."oh yes" "Coleen" ...."But...I don't judge myself as fat or not fat" "Marnie" ...."oh, yes" "Alexa" ...."y" "Brenda" ...."yeah, it's great" "Coleen" ...."It aint important anymore" "radiantkd" ...."instead of you have to be thin before you are taken seriously, the message is" "Marcie" ...."it is one thing to say "what they think doesn't matter" quite another thing to get a new way of thinking about ourselves, stop the self condemnation" "radiantkd" ...."not only will you feel it, but you will share it" "radiantkd" ...."and YOUR life and modeling will give it" "radiantkd" ...."right Marcie" "Judi" ...."yes Marcie!" "radiantkd" ...."but it is going beyond stopping something" "radiantkd" ...."and seeing the power behind addiction" "Marcie" ...."oh YES" "radiantkd" ...."addiction, being fat transformed is a mighty force" Come and join us. Click here if you are ready to change your life or just plain ole have fun. It is not too late to get into the classes if you come right now. ********************************************************* *********** **David's Corner ** 
I thought it would be fun to do a special for those of you who love cooking.
If you haven't been to the store for a while, how about just coming over and browsing. You will be thrilled to see all the changes! Please send questions and suggestions. I love hearing from you and truly want to help you do your program better. ********************************************************* ***********
**Our Online Groups**
Hi there! My name is Colette, and I am the volunteer liaison for the radiantibd group. Our emphasis is on how to do the Radiant Recovery program for those of us with "gut problems." We would love to have you join our group if you have "gut" issues, and explore with us solutions to our special problems. If you want a good laugh, go and look at our picture in the Online Groups IBD section! ********************************************************************
**A Dialogue from the Forum** Kathleen DesMaisons, Ph.D. From Anonymous I know this is OT but I'm not sure where else to ask this and I'm desperate. So if Kathleen or someone could please please respond... I've been doing this program about a year. My husband is an alcoholic who is trying to not drink. He is a functional alcoholic, goes to work every day, never violent or abusive. Good husband and good father. We have been married a long time and have young children. Alcohol has been an ongoing problem in his life--and therefore our lives--since we met almost 20 years ago. DH agrees he has a problem with alcohol. He does not want to be like his father--an alcoholic who died young from an alcohol-related disease. Last year I gave DH a series of ultimatums. First, I asked him to keep all alcohol out of the house, away from the kids. Because the kids are getting old enough to notice when he had too much to drink, and wonder "why daddy was acting strange?" He agreed, but still drank--in his car (as in, open container, drinking on the way home from work while driving, etc... sigh...) Then, by my request, he went to see a counselor with me twice (my counselor who I was seeing for depression but who just happens to have a background in substance abuse treatment). She did an assessment on him and asked him if he was willing to try to stop drinking for 3 months. He agreed--but of course couldn't do it for long. She gave him information on AA meetings but has never gone. (He did go to AA many many years ago when we were first married--it was court-ordered because of a DUI he got. He had to go to AA meetings 3x/week for a year, so he is familiar with the program but back then he didn't think he was really an alcoholic.) Last summer, when it was obvious he was still drinking (this is after he saw my counselor with me) I again confronted him. I basically said I want him to come up with a PLAN to stop drinking entirely, or we would need to talk about a separation. He does not want to lose his family, does not want a divorce and neither do I but he knew that was where we were headed if he kept drinking. Agreed he would "try harder" and so on, but never really came up with a plan. However, he did tell his family that he has a problem and would not be drinking any more. So they were aware of the situation and supportive. Especially his mother because she knows what it is like living with an alcoholic husband. So to recap and bring up to date, he has made some big changes. Not having alcohol in the house at all... admitting to his family that he has a problem... not going out drinking with friends/coworkers any more, etc. I have heard him turn down beer offered by neighbors, heard him tell them he is "making a lifestyle change." I know it is very hard for him to undo 20+ years of bad habits/addiction and I see that he IS trying. But still, here we are. It is more subtle now, but of course he is still drinking. I notice it about two evenings a week. (Quite obvious when he keeps finding reasons to sneak out to the garage or his car... and of course I smell the alcohol... and notice his personality changes.) He has no real plan in place, still is trying to do it on his own willpower with no support. When I ask about it, he does not want to discuss it. The only time it is ever talked about is if he knows that I definitely know he has been drinking. Like if he knows that I saw a beer can in the garage or a bottle of wine in his car. I will dump it out and leave it in plain sight so he knows I saw. Then the next day he will say "sorry about the beer, it was a stupid impulse... believe it or not, I AM trying" or something ilke that. I was hoping he would see positive changes in me from doing this food program, and want to do it too, but that hasn't happened. I told him about it once, and let it go. I do my best to take care of myself, our kids, do my program, and try to stay lovingly detached from his drinking. Though lately it is just "detached" without the loving part. In other words we don't have much of a marriage left, no intimacy, just living in the same house and co-parenting. So sad. His family and I talked over the weekend, and I let them know he is still drinking about twice a week (that I know of). They are saying maybe we should do a family confrontation/intervention and force him to go into rehab. I told them I want to talk to him first, by myself, because I don't think it needs to come to that. I think if I tell him what his family is thinking of doing (the intervention), he will do just about anything to avoid the discomfort of that kind of situation! I am planning this week to confront him again and I need to know what specifically to ask of him. I want him to have a plan of action for support. Because it is obviously not working for him to do it on his own. But I don't know whether to ask him to see a counselor, or a family doctor (awkward, since his doctor is a neighbor of ours!), or get into an outpatient rehab type program, or simply ask him to attend AA meetings, or ask him to come up with his own plan (which of course hasn't worked in the past). I need to find out too what our insurance will cover. But what is the best place to start in this situation? Please, if someone could advise.... Dear anonymous, I would like to respond again to your post. I think your story touched a very deep chord right out of my childhood. My mother could have written what you wrote. And when I was 17, I said to her, *it is too late, he is past your bargaining*. My mother never forgave me for not agreeing with her way. And my father drank himself to death 3 months later. So it was a big wound. The good news is that is this same wounding that led me to my work. And in the last few months I have reopened a private practice. And yesterday, there, square in my face was your exact same plea. But this time, I was in a clear heart. So I want to come back to your question from a different place. Dealing with a loved one who is caught in alcoholism is one of the most painful things in the world. This is someone you love who makes promises and breaks them, who wants to and doesn't. I know you are filled with love, anger, tenderness, impatience, hope, doubt and many more feelings all at once. The first task is for you to be able to detach some from his journey. It sounds as if he has made incredible progress. And you want more. The road to healing from alcoholism is not one decision. It is many. And if you have been reading this forum, you certainly know from reading these stories here that people try, people stumble, people relapse. That is how recovery works. It is messy. Now, it sounds as if the door is open with your husband. And it also sounds as if you are still really embittered and empty. These are totally natural feelings. So here is a very pragmatic suggestion. I am going to open up a new list for family and friends of active addicts and alcoholics. http://groups.yahoo.com/group/radiantfamilyandfriends I think if we dialogue about this together, we can build some really concrete suggestions. One thing practical. Your husband honestly believes that he can just do this on his own. Of course we know this is not true. But you may not be the best person for him to hear this from. Here are some ideas of what you might say:
Kathleen ©Kathleen DesMaisons 2006. Here are the folks who are helping put the newsletter together: Gretel, the liaison for the recovery list and the webmaster puts it all together Naomi, liaison for big ones gathers the recipes Marie, the liaison for diabetes gathers the info on the online lists David, who runs the Radiant Recovery® Store talks about what new products we have. You are getting the weekly newsletter from Radiant Recovery® in response to your signup. A copy of this newsletter may also be found posted on the web at http://www. radiantrecovery.com/weeklynewsletter.htm. ©2006 by Kathleen DesMaisons . All rights reserved. You are free to use or transmit this article to your ezine or website as long as you leave the content unaltered and use this attribution: "By Kathleen DesMaisons, Ph.D. of Radiant Recovery®. Please visit Kathleen's website at http://www.radiantrecovery.com for additional resources on sugar sensitivity and healing addiction." Please notify me at kathleen@radiantrecovery.com to let me know where the material will appear. Banner Photograph by Geraint Smith |
