Kari,
Life has certainly handed you challenges from an early age.
No doubt the pain and loss were very great, and will always be remembered
inside you.
But alongside that is a very strong and resilient you, enduring and persevering,
sensitive and creative.
What a lovely tribute to your mom. Cry and write, for it is healing. And live and laugh too, as that is your path in this world.
Your words do much healing for all of us, as we can all relate, though our circumstances are different and unique.

Good for you for doing your homework so diligently.
I am following your assignments and enjoying your process.
Sarit

: A couple of weeks ago as BF and I
: were walking the dogs I was like
: wow my birthday is just around the
: corner. Then I calculated my age
: (because we seem to forget after a
: certain point) and then the tears
: started. I don’t get emotional so
: I was really trying to hide it. I
: started this program a little over
: three years ago. This year I
: started slacking in my program.
: Still things felt good. No more
: anger, or trouble focusing and the
: anxiety it much better. Could
: things have been better – sure.
: But I felt better. I felt content.
: But I was also just existing. When
: I follow a much more strict
: program I no longer just exist – I
: live. I don’t take things for
: granted.

: Well the moment I realized how old I
: was going to be it hit me that my
: mother would have given anything
: to be able to do half or even a
: quarter of what I can do today and
: here I sit simply existing because
: I feel content. It made me realize
: that I have taken so much for
: granted. When we think of our
: parents we think of someone older
: not someone who was once our age.
: What made the tears spill was when
: I looked at BF, who is so young,
: thinking by the time my mother was
: his age for ten years she had
: suffered, been sentenced to a
: wheelchair, been bedridden, had
: lived in a nursing home and
: eventually a group home because
: she need 24 hour care. And was
: gone by the time she was his age.

: So this upcoming birthday is going to
: be a hard one for me but it has
: also given me that push to want
: Radiance again. I tasted it once
: or twice and my body wants it. I
: no longer what to simply exist, I
: want to live and not take things
: for granted anymore. That was the
: moment that I knew I needed to get
: my program back on track.

: When we got back from our walk that
: night I just shut myself up in my
: bathroom and cried. I have only
: cried that hard a couple times in
: my adult life. Then I tried to
: take a shower but could only sit
: on the floor under the water and
: cry some more. It made me realize
: how unfair life can be. Every day
: I have is a day she was not given.
: Every choice or chance I am given
: is a choice and chance she was
: never given. My only way of
: dealing thing emotions like these
: is to write. So when I got out of
: the shower I grabbed the notebook
: and pen I keep in my nightstand
: and just started writing.

: Birthdays are supposed to be a
: special one
: Full of laughter and smiles and loads
: of fun
: But this 38th is not joyful you see
: For it seems to bring back a
: childhood memory

: Either lying in bed or in her wheeled
: chair
: Unable to feed herself or fix her own
: hair
: Seven years she has suffered but
: never complained
: Only 38 years old but sickened and
: pained

: Robbing her of her precious life you
: see
: And stealing my mother a way from me
: MS has come along what a cruel theft
: No one knows but she only has three
: years left.

: Kari