Kari, that's very sad about your mother. What a great gift to yourself and to her it would be to embrace recovery.
Allison

: A couple of weeks ago as BF and I
: were walking the dogs I was like
: wow my birthday is just around the
: corner. Then I calculated my age
: (because we seem to forget after a
: certain point) and then the tears
: started. I don’t get emotional so
: I was really trying to hide it. I
: started this program a little over
: three years ago. This year I
: started slacking in my program.
: Still things felt good. No more
: anger, or trouble focusing and the
: anxiety it much better. Could
: things have been better – sure.
: But I felt better. I felt content.
: But I was also just existing. When
: I follow a much more strict
: program I no longer just exist – I
: live. I don’t take things for
: granted.

: Well the moment I realized how old I
: was going to be it hit me that my
: mother would have given anything
: to be able to do half or even a
: quarter of what I can do today and
: here I sit simply existing because
: I feel content. It made me realize
: that I have taken so much for
: granted. When we think of our
: parents we think of someone older
: not someone who was once our age.
: What made the tears spill was when
: I looked at BF, who is so young,
: thinking by the time my mother was
: his age for ten years she had
: suffered, been sentenced to a
: wheelchair, been bedridden, had
: lived in a nursing home and
: eventually a group home because
: she need 24 hour care. And was
: gone by the time she was his age.

: So this upcoming birthday is going to
: be a hard one for me but it has
: also given me that push to want
: Radiance again. I tasted it once
: or twice and my body wants it. I
: no longer what to simply exist, I
: want to live and not take things
: for granted anymore. That was the
: moment that I knew I needed to get
: my program back on track.

: When we got back from our walk that
: night I just shut myself up in my
: bathroom and cried. I have only
: cried that hard a couple times in
: my adult life. Then I tried to
: take a shower but could only sit
: on the floor under the water and
: cry some more. It made me realize
: how unfair life can be. Every day
: I have is a day she was not given.
: Every choice or chance I am given
: is a choice and chance she was
: never given. My only way of
: dealing thing emotions like these
: is to write. So when I got out of
: the shower I grabbed the notebook
: and pen I keep in my nightstand
: and just started writing.

: Birthdays are supposed to be a
: special one
: Full of laughter and smiles and loads
: of fun
: But this 38th is not joyful you see
: For it seems to bring back a
: childhood memory

: Either lying in bed or in her wheeled
: chair
: Unable to feed herself or fix her own
: hair
: Seven years she has suffered but
: never complained
: Only 38 years old but sickened and
: pained

: Robbing her of her precious life you
: see
: And stealing my mother a way from me
: MS has come along what a cruel theft
: No one knows but she only has three
: years left.

: Kari