Hi Sky,

What a great post. Of course I am sorry that you had to go through a slip, but since we are all human, it happens. And, for me, what has become a beautiful thing, is I now understand (as you did) when I feel miserable after a slip, what triggered it, and what I can do about it. I don't have to wallow or believe those awful feelings are who I am. I can pick myself up and get going back to radiant, if I want to, thanks to this program. And THAT is an amazing thing!!!!!!!!!! What a tool for life!

I vividly remember all the years when I was so miserable, and I DIDN"T know how to heal it or fix it, so of course I tried everything. It still feels like a miracle to me that RR exists and I have worked my way through the program, and it is a real option.

So Brava for picking yourself up and getting going again. And thank you for sharing so honestly - my journaling has been iffy again, and you have re-inspired me to get back there. and to go do some yoga .

Hilda

: I had a very bad crash yesterday. I
: did expect it, but just not as bad
: as it wound up to be. But I
: thought it might make a good story
: for anybody who is working the
: steps for the first time.

: First off, I don't really crash
: anymore, I haven't for a long
: time. For the last few years I've
: only had days that are low due to
: specific factors I can pretty much
: always identify. These bodies
: become like old German clocks -
: they are beautiful and crafted
: exceptionally well, but they need
: loving maintenance, and after
: you've done this long enough you
: just know which gears need
: cleaning, which springs need
: tightening.

: However, for about the last year I've
: been off taking care of some old
: business. By old business I just
: mean old things in my heart that
: I've never really addressed. We
: say this occasionally on the
: forum, that while therapy is a
: terrific tool, the best time for
: it, or rather, the time its effect
: can be the most optimal, is when
: you are steady.

: Well, about a year ago I was feeling
: steady enough that I started
: seeing a therapist. It was a
: positive move, I was given an hour
: a week to talk about things in my
: childhood that had always, always
: confused me deeply. I got excited
: about some discoveries that I was
: making, connections I was starting
: to have, issues that became a
: little clearer.

: At first, these connections were BE
: raisers in every sense of the
: word. I felt validated, happy, and
: got really helpful feedback from a
: lovely trained professional. The
: food and this exploration
: dovetailed, and I felt so good,
: better than I have in my whole
: life.

: But then, and in my excitement, my
: food started to slip over time.
: Not in any huge way, but as the
: devil is in the details, it was
: enough to make me, while not
: Unwell, I was certainly not Well
: in the way that I had been.

: I had enough habits after all this
: time that I never started eating
: sugar, but all that means is that
: the fire that was burning didn't
: rise up and consume me. But the
: fire was still hot enough as to
: make me uncomfortable. Then I got
: used to the discomfort enough that
: it never dawned on me that I
: wasn't radiant anymore.

: At any rate, here is my point. A few
: weeks ago I realized that I needed
: a lot of tightening of my program.
: Here were my holes:

: no journaling
: meal times were largely okay, but I
: know I was letting times slip
: zero veggies
: not drinking enough water
: zero exercise

: So I began journaling again, I've
: begun to look at my weak zones and
: examine where I need to focus my
: attention.

: Here's my point: a few days ago I had
: breakfast two hours late because
: of a fasting blood test I had with
: at the dr's. I'd tried to minimize
: it to where it was going to be an
: hour and 20 minutes past when I
: woke up, but uncharacteristically
: the dr's office was running late
: (the first time ever in the 5
: years I've been going there.)

: I felt weird the rest of the day. And
: as my crashes are always much
: sooner than four days - so
: yesterday? Holy mackeral. I had a
: situation at home that, while
: mildly upsetting, felt like the
: world was coming to an end! I felt
: TERRIBLE. I was in tears all day.
: In the afternoon I went shopping
: to treat myself to some new
: clothes, but I was exhausted,
: tear-y and full of despair over a
: small (very small) amount of
: weight gain I've had in the past
: few years. I was so disconnected
: and in pain I found it difficult
: to even speak to anyone. I wanted
: badly to be alone, to crawl on my
: bed in a fetal position and
: disappear.

: Okay, so a solid night's sleep later,
: I can look back with surprise at
: yesterday.

: But guys, the way I felt yesterday
: used to BE my life way too often.
: And that was only 10 years ago.
: But yesterday was a horrible trip
: back in time.

: The *reason* I crashed so hard was
: not because breakfast was so late.
: I mean, yes, that's why I felt
: bad. But I felt as bad as I
: did because my foundation was
: eroded. I feel like I'm getting
: the power of that all over again
: today.

: I always envision the concept of
: foundation as a huge cement thing,
: like a literal house foundation.
: This morning I want to laugh,
: because you can argue it's also
: made of soft, down-filled pillows
: - ready to absorb the energy from
: when things like a necessarily
: late breakfast happens! I had no
: pillows to land on yesterday, and
: hitting concrete hurts!

: Anyway, I will never, ever, ever, go
: back there to where I was.

: And not only will I never go back
: there, there is so much more
: available to me if I do the steps,
: as they are written.

: I'm lucky, it's easier this time. I
: know the promised land is there,
: I've seen it. I'm putting on my
: hiking boots and filling up my
: backpack and starting to walk
: again. But if you have never been
: to the promised land, the roadmap
: (the books, this site, this
: forum), will not steer you wrong!
: It is literally the only way you
: can get there.

: Yay! Speaking of which, I'm off to
: take a walk with my dog.