I had a very bad crash yesterday. I did expect it, but just not as bad as it wound up to be. But I thought it might make a good story for anybody who is working the steps for the first time.

First off, I don't really crash anymore, I haven't for a long time. For the last few years I've only had days that are low due to specific factors I can pretty much always identify. These bodies become like old German clocks - they are beautiful and crafted exceptionally well, but they need loving maintenance, and after you've done this long enough you just know which gears need cleaning, which springs need tightening.

However, for about the last year I've been off taking care of some old business. By old business I just mean old things in my heart that I've never really addressed. We say this occasionally on the forum, that while therapy is a terrific tool, the best time for it, or rather, the time its effect can be the most optimal, is when you are steady.

Well, about a year ago I was feeling steady enough that I started seeing a therapist. It was a positive move, I was given an hour a week to talk about things in my childhood that had always, always confused me deeply. I got excited about some discoveries that I was making, connections I was starting to have, issues that became a little clearer.

At first, these connections were BE raisers in every sense of the word. I felt validated, happy, and got really helpful feedback from a lovely trained professional. The food and this exploration dovetailed, and I felt so good, better than I have in my whole life.

But then, and in my excitement, my food started to slip over time. Not in any huge way, but as the devil is in the details, it was enough to make me, while not Unwell, I was certainly not Well in the way that I had been.

I had enough habits after all this time that I never started eating sugar, but all that means is that the fire that was burning didn't rise up and consume me. But the fire was still hot enough as to make me uncomfortable. Then I got used to the discomfort enough that it never dawned on me that I wasn't radiant anymore.

At any rate, here is my point. A few weeks ago I realized that I needed a lot of tightening of my program. Here were my holes:

no journaling
meal times were largely okay, but I know I was letting times slip
zero veggies
not drinking enough water
zero exercise

So I began journaling again, I've begun to look at my weak zones and examine where I need to focus my attention.

Here's my point: a few days ago I had breakfast two hours late because of a fasting blood test I had with at the dr's. I'd tried to minimize it to where it was going to be an hour and 20 minutes past when I woke up, but uncharacteristically the dr's office was running late (the first time ever in the 5 years I've been going there.)

I felt weird the rest of the day. And as my crashes are always much sooner than four days - so yesterday? Holy mackeral. I had a situation at home that, while mildly upsetting, felt like the world was coming to an end! I felt TERRIBLE. I was in tears all day. In the afternoon I went shopping to treat myself to some new clothes, but I was exhausted, tear-y and full of despair over a small (very small) amount of weight gain I've had in the past few years. I was so disconnected and in pain I found it difficult to even speak to anyone. I wanted badly to be alone, to crawl on my bed in a fetal position and disappear.

Okay, so a solid night's sleep later, I can look back with surprise at yesterday.

But guys, the way I felt yesterday used to BE my life way too often. And that was only 10 years ago. But yesterday was a horrible trip back in time.

The *reason* I crashed so hard was not because breakfast was so late. I mean, yes, that's why I felt bad. But I felt as bad as I did because my foundation was eroded. I feel like I'm getting the power of that all over again today.

I always envision the concept of foundation as a huge cement thing, like a literal house foundation. This morning I want to laugh, because you can argue it's also made of soft, down-filled pillows - ready to absorb the energy from when things like a necessarily late breakfast happens! I had no pillows to land on yesterday, and hitting concrete hurts!

Anyway, I will never, ever, ever, go back there to where I was.

And not only will I never go back there, there is so much more available to me if I do the steps, as they are written.

I'm lucky, it's easier this time. I know the promised land is there, I've seen it. I'm putting on my hiking boots and filling up my backpack and starting to walk again. But if you have never been to the promised land, the roadmap (the books, this site, this forum), will not steer you wrong! It is literally the only way you can get there.

Yay! Speaking of which, I'm off to take a walk with my dog.