Wow, thank you for sharing all of this Allison...I found it moving and inspiring. You are anything but stupid! You give such great recommendations and your insight is so valuable on here! I completely relate. Just tonight I had an emotional breakdown. I have a very hard time forgiving myself for any slip-ups or mistakes, I'm just so angry that I allow the cravings to get the better of me. I don't even eat knowing, if I am really hungry or not. I feel so impulsive and then guilt for eating all the wrong things. I too struggle with depression and a lot of stomach pains/indigestion, probably due to all the unhealthy habits I have with food!

It's so frustrating...food is not the enemy, I know that...I guess I'm feeling like maybe I am the enemy! Not sure, just feeling very mixed up at the moment...

So I just sort of exploded today and now I don't know how to pick up the pieces or where to even go, what to do next. I feel like I keep trying and every day I tell myself I'll do it all right, I'll eat better, be a better person, change my hundred bad habits, and what do you know, I fail at everything

: Joy dot: seeing cattle egrets in the
: fields that have just been
: irrigated while driving to work

: Before I found the program, I was
: very depressed. I felt like the
: whole world had it in for me and I
: was doomed. I always felt like I
: was on the outside of any group I
: was in. I was attracted to men who
: would reject and hurt me. I had a
: voice in my head telling me I was
: stupid, unloveable, a loser. And I
: had crazy thought patterns.

: I was constantly having blood sugar
: crashes, and I was ravenous all
: day. I would eat breakfast and be
: starving an hour or two later. I
: was hyper all day, and when I got
: home, I was so tired I had no
: energy for anything.

: I would try to have positive
: thoughts, but I could only stay
: positive for an hour or so, and
: then I would be beating myself up
: for not being able to be positive.
: I hated myself. I had tried anti
: depressants, group therapy and all
: sorts of self help books, but they
: didn't help me. And I was also a
: compulsive shopper.

: The program has changed all of that.
: The depression lifted, the voice
: in my head went away, the
: compulsive shopping stopped by
: itself. I no longer have bad
: relationships. I have steady
: energy. I can go 6 hours between
: meals and I am not ravenous all
: the time. I am like a whole new
: person.

: It took about 18 months to get really
: steady. Since then, life just
: keeps getting better and better. I
: have been doing this plan for over
: 13 years. I don't even think about
: sugar or alcohol anymore. It never
: crosses my mind that I would ever
: eat or drink them again. And even
: though I gave up some foods, I eat
: a much wider variety of foods than
: I used to before the program.

: You are lucky - you are young. I
: didn't find the program until I
: was 39, so I lived in misery for a
: long time. But my advice to you is
: to take things nice and slowly.
: You don't have to try to fix it
: all now. Just do the steps, slowly
: and in order nad your life will
: change for the better.
: Allison