Hi all again,

My wonderful boyfriend (husband really but he is my boyfriend and soulmate too) will be home soon ... he has been away for work the last three days so I am really looking forward to seeing him .

That was my joy dot ... I am putting something happy at the beginning of some of my posts but I don't often say it is a joy dot.

Hmmmm, well this is really a continuation of my last post. I have been thinking. My biggest vice is coffee ... I just adore and need it but the problem is that I sort of revolve my life around it and need it so I know it is an addiction. So ... I will continue to focus on Step 1, forget about tapering the coffee any further at the moment and maybe bring back a little so my head feels a bit better. (I usually have two small but strong coffees every day and had tapered down to having half normal and half decaf )

But I will allow myself to do what I feel like with the sweet things and at the moment I don't actually feel like any. So if I feel like something I will have it but if I don't I won't. I won't try to whiteknuckle anything.

I guess I just want to be steady again (right now! ) ... I remember all the positive changes and I was really only at the beginning too. And I also think that this time it will be better too because I am in a really happy relationship now.

Actually I find it really intriguing that I stayed in such a destructive relationship so long (almost 19 years). I squiggled around in the corner of my world to find the least uncomfortable spot and looked at the positives in my life (I am blessed with wonderful friends) and (in hindsight) medicated myself with self-help books, relationship books, romance books, M&Ms, long distance running and music. And I only really acknowledged that I felt deep pain and was able to articulate it and do something about it when I was on Step 7. Has anyone else had that experience?

It sort of feels weird to be posting my thoughts like this. I am hoping my writing makes sense. It seems to at the time and then when I read some posts much later I think "Oh no! That wasn't what I thought I was saying".

It is the start of the weekend in Australia ... Friday night. Happy weekend everyone as it comes to you,

Fiona