When I first found this web site in 2008 I read an article of Kathleen's about learned helplessness and feeling safe and the connection to addiction. I printed it out and re-read it now and then, trying to understand it all better. I know it's talking about me.

Kathleen says we are born with low levels of beta-endorphins. I've read often how some of you try to cultivate beta-endorphins through various activities and experiences. When I try to think of anything in my life that could rival sugar as a BE raiser I can only come up with two. I suppose as I progress through the program and sugar starts to decrease then it will be easier to find things to take it's place in the BE department. Is that how it works?

I never felt safe growing up and I'm an introvert so early on I got into the habit of retreating to my room. Now I'm living in the same house and sleeping in the same room as in high school and I still have a strong pull to retreat to my room, only now it's with sugar. I think about it every day.

I'm not blaming my behavior on living in this house with my mother. If I was in some other circumstance I would still want to retreat and binge. But so many memories are connected with this house and they are all bad.

Kathleen's article says that "You can unconsciously be drawn to abusive situations because the abuse evokes the comfort of beta-endorphins." I'm wondering if that's what's happening as I live here with my mother. I'm recreating that feeling of not being safe because it's familiar and I get comfort from that familiarity in a weird way.

At the end of the article Kathleen says "Learned helplessness usually means that your first line of action is to retreat and isolate-the worst things you can do". I understand that, I know that's what I do. I've spent my whole adult life wanting to hide. And on the other hand I got married, raised two kids, put myself through graduate school, even went to Europe alone. I couldn't have done those things without "coming out of my room". I often feel like there's a war inside my head, two equally strong parts of my personality pulling me in different directions.

I have felt like therapy is the only way out, like Kathleen says, and I spent years in therapy. But I also understand now that there's the bio-chemical part of it.

I'm talking in circles. I've started writing this I don't know how many times. It may be that I don't have to understand all this, I just need to stay with the program and it will sort itself out.

But I'd like your feedback about this. I'd like to understand it better, to know what others have done with the beta-endorphin/learned helplessness/safety part of this sugar sensitive thing. What have you done, what has worked, what have you learned, how have you changed?

Gigi

PS I recently read an article on the internet "Top Ten Myths About Introverts". I can't figure out how to put a live link into this but if you type in that title you'll find it. It has really helped me to understand myself better.