Hi Siobhan,

I'm very glad you posted. I really relate and sympathize - I've been binging and gaining weight, worried about depression returning, and feeling hopeless and helpless. I have that same feeling you describe of wanting to fix this *now*.

I posted about this on March 26 here on the forum and got some really lovely responses - Kathleen had some wise things to say about control. (Maybe you would like to read those replies? Though I am sure you will get lots to your own message.)

I think it's fantastic that you are posting and remain dedicated to breakfast even when it's challenging. That sounds really steady and inspiring to me!

I'm sorry you're feeling so badly. I wish I had some real wisdom to share - I know that will come from more experienced folks here, and from your own body. I really understand what you are saying and the feelings you are describing. You're not alone in this, believe me, I am right there with you.

Something Kathleen said to me in her reply that I found really helpful was a thought about giving up control - if I binge, I binge, and try not to pour too much of my energy into that, but instead to focus on my step (breakfast) and that it can be fun.

Are you still enjoying your eggs, toast and shake? I wouldn't tell you to change something that you like and is working for you. Though I wonder if you could be tiring of it and if changing things up a little bit - bringing some variety and light-hearted feelings (playfulness) into your breakfast - would help you feel better and make breakfast easier and more appealing to you right now?

Anyway, keep posting! Hang in there. I know it will get better for you.

Bevy

: Hi everyone,

: I recently got an e-mail from
: Kathleen checking in to see how I
: was doing on the program and I
: decided to post about my
: struggles.

: To recap, I came across RR in January
: and immediately read all the books
: and connected with so much. I
: leaped into step 1 and went
: through the steps too quickly
: because it "felt right".
: I was so sick of feeling lousy and
: was ready for a change. I got to
: step 6 in about 6 weeks and
: because I had a four day weekend,
: I decided to detox. At that point
: I had been 3 meals with protein,
: brown, veggies and only having
: sugar after meals. I detoxed and
: about one week later had a major
: BE crash. I couldn't get out of
: bed for 2 days. So I asked for
: help and was told to go back to
: step one and go slowly...

: I have been re-doing step one for
: over a month now and feel like I
: am only moving backwards. I added
: back in sugar and just like that
: am back to bingeing. I got the 4
: parts of breakfast down - I eat
: within 30 minutes of waking every
: day, I have 2 eggs, 2 pieces of
: Ezekial toast and 1 scoop of
: Restore with unsweetened choc
: almond milk and a splash of
: sweetened choc almond milk. That
: has not wavered. I even went away
: for a weekend and have been out to
: breakfast and that has been fine.

: But now I am bingeing all other meals
: and starting to lose my appetite
: for breakfast. It use to be
: enjoyable and now I am forcing
: myself to eat. I have gained even
: more weight, have gotten more
: depressed and feel ready to give
: up and try the paleo diet again. I
: know long term that I need to keep
: doing the steps but I just don't
: have the patience and I am so
: tired of feeling so badly.

: I feel puffy, bloated and just lost
: in my body. I have been
: embarrassed to do much because of
: my weight. I feel like my #1
: priority is losing weight. I know
: logically that any diet I do will
: just fail because of my brain
: chemistry, but I don't feel like I
: have years to get through the
: steps. I want to lose weight now.
: I want to feel better now. I don't
: know how much longer I can go on
: otherwise. It is starting to
: interfere with my daily life and I
: really don't want to go on
: anti-depressants.

: I know that this program works and I
: know it would help me a lot. But I
: just can't relax into the steps
: when I keep feeling worse. I can't
: help worrying about my weight and
: depression. I can't get past my
: sugar sensitive tendencies.

: I feel hopeless!