Recovery Rocks

A year and a half ago, I got laid off and it was practically the happiest day of my career.

I know that sounds crazy, and pre-Radiant Recovery (just marked my 5-year anniversary, wahoo!), I am certain I would have pretty much freaked out about losing my job and I would have zoomed quickly and competently to another job. But this new me, the non-mush-brained one, felt gleeful and free. This was the perfect opportunity for me to leap into my dream of starting my own business! (The old me would have thought I was crazy, LOL.)

So I had no clients, no money coming in, and a severance check to cover me for one month. Paying that next mortgage payment was very scary, since it basically wiped out my checking account. Gulp.

But I had faith. Just like the leap of faith I took when I very tentatively began this food program in 1999, I took a similar leap as I looked at my empty checkbook and embarked on making a living for myself. (Gulp, again.) I trusted the universe, I trusted myself. And I picked up the phone and called every contact in my PDA. I got one little project to do. Then another. Then another. By dribs and drabs, the work eked in.

I was making a teeny amount of money, and yet I had this almost freaky sense of ease and calmness. My molecules told me it would be okay, so I believed them. If I had been eating bowls of ice cream, I would have never stepped forward into my dream, because I would have been so numbed-out, I could not have possibly trusted myself.

In the spirit of shoring things up, I got ever more meticulous about my food. I knew that my reduced income and strange new work patterns would add stress, so I latched on to my food program to keep me steady.

And yet, I could also see my old workaholic tendencies start to creep in. The addiction amoeba strikes again! At first, I was working hard because I wanted to build up my business; I wanted to make enough money to pay my bills. Then, as I got more clients, I found myself working even harder, trying to keep up with my customers and juggle all of the operational demands of running a business.

The thing about the addiction amoeba is that it sneaks up on you. For me, I begin to notice that I'm not as focused. I work more hours and get less done. Then I notice (and my radiant friends remind me) that I am becoming a tad robotic. "Robotic" gets a lot done, but does not at all mesh with my recovery. This is radiant recovery, after all, not robotic recovery! There is no joy in being robotic.

So recently, when I started noticing the robot creeping in, I decided I needed to look at my food, which includes not just my "food" but all the other stuff: timing, movement, BEs, self-care, reflection-oriented things. "Being" as well as "doing." And I have realized that the phrase we all say so often, "Do the Food" is just the tip of the iceberg. I need more, I need to "Be the food" in order to make it work. I can DO the food, and when I have a stressful time, I will ramp up my food-diligence, setting an alarm to stop for lunch, insisting on the densest veggies instead of salad, getting extra protein, minding my timing. I use the food as stress warfare technique! Which is fine on many levels and I don't plan to change it. But because even THAT becomes a bit robotic, I have begun to fine-tune even further. Even after 5 years, I find new ways to deepen my program.

I have now become very intentional about including the "being" stuff in my program. Daily exercise, meditation, downtime. Talking with my friends/family. Balance of life things. For me, that has to go along with "doing" the food. And here is the kicker! I may be able to do the food robotically (i.e., plan my meals to the letter, make them exactly as planned, eat exactly on time, etc.), but I am certain that I cannot possibly "be" robotically. Isn't that interesting? I can't possibly meditate or move or have a BE-lifting experience with friends in a static way. WOW.

It all boils down to my relationship with my body, and even more than that, with my essence. When I am ignoring that, when I am marching through life, well, my essence cannot possibly bubble forth. So when I "be the food," I am more fully me. And this is my latest discovery on this very rich path we call radiance.

Martha Carnahan