When Someone in Your Family Drinks

What are my options? What can I do to help?

When someone in your family drinks, you have probably spent many hours agonizing over what to do to control it or change it. You may have argued, been irrational, been emotional, made deals, thrown liquor down the drain, made threats, drank with the family member or tried to ignore the whole thing. Some of these may have worked for a short time, but the problem comes back.

At this point, you are probably tired or angry or scared or overwhelmed or all of these. You may feel alone, inadequate, and dumb because you haven't been able to "fix" or even help the person you care for so much.

You and the person who drinks are caught in the web of an illness which, untreated, is both progressive and fatal. You've taken the first step to healing by acknowledging that there is a problem. Alcoholism on the one hand is a cunning, baffling, and powerful disease. On the other, it is a clear cut issue with fairly straightforward treatment options.

How can I tell if someone is an alcoholic?

If someone drinks despite negative consequences, they generally have a problem. The first indicator of alcoholism is denial--when the drinker and those around him or her simply do not see that alcohol is causing problems. The determination of where a person falls on the continuum of alcoholism can be done with the help of either a trained professional or a person "in recovery" (i.e. someone who has stopped drinking and understands the complexity of the disease). Someone who simply stops drinking and announces they "don't have a problem" generally remains in denial about his disease.

If you feel that someone is an alcoholic, trust your feelings and act on them. Generally alcoholism gets to full-blown proportions before family members or friends recognize it.

What can I do?

Learn the facts. Alcoholism has four components: behavioral, chemical, emotional, and spiritual. Full recovery requires attention to all four. No recovery can progress until the alcoholic stops drinking. The alcoholic has one focus, and one relationship-- that's with the bottle. You can learn about the disease by talking to professionals (including me) or to other persons trained to work with addictions, by reading, or by attending 12-step programs like AA (Alcoholics Anonymous) or Alanon (for families of alcoholics). Many bookstores have "recovery" sections which offer great resources. The more you learn, the better you can help.

Recognize that alcoholism is not due to lack of willpower or moral failure. Treat it as a behavioral problem which emerges from a chemical sensitivity. Judging the alcoholic will only cause pain and resentment for both of you. Get help for your own feelings and you'll be a better ally to the alcoholic. Learn detachment!

Attend Alanon or start you own treatment. You may feel that the alcoholic is the one with problem, but the truth is that this disease affects everyone around the alcoholic. Anyone in the system is caught in it. Your biggest gift to the alcoholic is to focus on your own healing. You didn't cause it, it's not your fault. You cannot control it and you can't cure it. Even if you start healing, your family may not, and may continue to drink. But you'll get healthier, and increase the chances that you can help more effectively.

Encourage the one you love to seek treatment. Remember, you cannot be the one to help the alcoholic heal. At this point, you are too involved. Your best role is to get help to reinforce your own detachment and your own deeper understanding of the behaviors which support recovery. If you are concerned about violence, or about your loved one's safety (for example, he or she regularly drives under the influence), get professional help for yourself now!

Learn appropriate boundaries. Usually, alcoholics are surrounded by people called "enablers." These people support the disease by protecting or lying for the alcoholic. An enabler will give the alcoholic her car after he has totaled his own because "he needs to go to work." An enabler will give the alcoholic money because her rent will be foreclosed. These behaviors make it easier for the alcoholic to stay in denial because they reduce the consequences of drinking. Your job is to help the alcoholic experience the devastating consequences of the disease. The best way to show your love for the alcoholic is to step out of taking care, of making life easy.

Reinforce treatment options. Learn what things are available and how they work. Be informed, but do not prescribe. If the alcoholic shows interest in treatment, be prepared with information. The alcoholic may choose a path different from your preference. Be ready to support his or her freedom of choice.

Do your own homework. Usually, people who love an alcoholic assume that the alcoholic is the one who should "do" something. It is good to support the alcoholic's recovery, but don't expect someone to do something that you are not willing to do for yourself. Modeling through your own recovery is the most compelling argument you can use to support the alcoholic's movement toward recovery.

Learn how to support recovery. It is a slow process. Relapse happens. Often, shortly after an alcoholic achieves sobriety, the whole family system gets wobbly. The myth that sobriety would make everything all right is indeed a myth. Sobriety is the beginning of recovery, a process which takes a while and a lot of work. Recovery may heal families and relationships and it may precipitate separation. Keeping up your own homework will guide you in your healing.

Be patient, be tender, be clear, both with the alcoholic and with yourself. This is a big disease. It takes real courage and commitment to start your recovery.

(c) Kathleen DesMaisons 2006. All rights reserved.