The Dance of Abuse
I am sure you have heard and read lots and lots about domestic violence and abuse. The information may just sort of float in or float out if you think it does not directly relate to you. Or if you think it does, you may just feel hopeless that it can ever be resolved.
This discussion will present the topic from a new perspective, the biochemistry of abuse. If you were born with a sugar sensitive body, you are more vulnerable to being an abuser or an abuse victim because of the unique biochemistry you have. The imbalance sets you up and creates a predisposition to the factors that encourage abuse. These include:
· Low self esteem
· Feeling inadequate and out of control
· Feeling helpless or impotent
· Having low impulse control
· Having a short fuse
· Wanting things to be all right and feeling that they are not
· Feeling trapped
· Eating a diet high in sugar and white things
· Drinking alcohol
That list may surprise you. You may not have thought those things might be connected. They are and are very much a part of the abuse story. They are a function of biochemistry. And when the biochemistry is off, patterns start. Over time, the patterns start to create a groove, a reflexive way of being in relationship.
Trying to change the patterns, the behaviors while the biochemistry is still off are like trying to roll a huge rock uphill. My approach is to get the chemistry balanced and THEN work on the patterns. And abuser and abused are two sides of the same coin. No, it is absolutely not all right to abuse, but an abuser must have a victim. The dance can be changed by having either partner step off the dance floor. If the other partner does not wish to heal, then the dance must stop. If both partners understand what is going on and commitment to the change, then a profound and radical miracle emerges.
Ultimately, healing the chemistry heals the pattern. The abused will stop being unconscious and choosing abusive situations. The abuser will stop being unconscious and choosing situations and people that allow the behavior to continue. This discussion will not reference how to make the behavioral changes. There are thousands of resources to do that. This discussion will help you see “why” and go from there.
Does a person you love . . .
· Threaten to hurt you, your children, or someone else in your family?
· Say it is your fault when he or she hits you, then say it will not happen again (but it does)?
· Put you down in public or keep you from seeing family and friends?
· Throw you down, push, hit, choke, kick or slap you?
· Force you to have sex when you don't want to?
Just ONE "YES" answer may mean that you are in an abusive relationship.
Many folks struggle with being in abusive situations. Many others struggle with having a short fuse or violent temper. Usually we look at this topic in the context of the psychology of abuse. Let’s add the context of sugar sensitivity/alcoholism into the story.
If you are sugar sensitive, chances are, you have low levels of two brain chemicals called beta-endorphin and serotonin. Low serotonin means having a hard time saying no, a hard time setting boundaries. It leads to letting people take advantage of you, walking all over you or hurting you without your complaining.
Low beta-endorphin means you have a low tolerance for pain, both emotional and physical. You may feel inadequate, less than, not worth it, not loved, not valued because of your biochemistry. You feel like a victim. It seems to suit who you are. This can be true even if the outside reality seems as if you should be fine. So you can be attractive, have money, live in a beautiful home, have what appears to be a loving family and still feel unacceptable on the inside.
When you feel this way, you will be drawn to a person or situation that makes you feel accepted. On a molecular level, you will seek out a situation that gives you even a little sense of someone wanting you or someone taking care of you. Rationally, you feel drawn to the person who makes you feel okay. But let’s look at how tricky this can be.
When you get hurt, your body releases beta-endorphin. The beta-endorphin is a painkiller. Your body has it to protect you in the times of danger. If a tiger bites your leg and you need to run, beta-endorphin will over ride the pain and let you get away. It is a very practical neurochemical.
When you eat sugar, or drink alcohol, you get a rise in beta-endorphin as well. And for those of you who have low beta-endorphin, you learn very early on that you can find huge comfort in sweet and fat foods. You stop hurting when you have them. Your beta-endorphin levels rise and you feel confident, attractive, valued and accepted.
When you get hurt emotionally, the same thing happens. Someone yells at you, someone puts you down, and you go for the sugar. But, more is happening. Over time, you become attached to the comfort. And you become numb. You do not make the connection that the abuse, the situation causing the pain is also having a chemical effect.
If you get hit, or verbally abused, your beta-endorphin level goes up. Your rational brain tells you this is not okay, but your neurochemical brain actually relies on the feeling of being able to manage. The part of you that says, “I can just sit this out, I am strong,” comes from the rise in beta-endorphin. The beta-endorphin creates a biochemical hook for you. You feel better; you believe things will be ok. Until the beta endorphin bath wears off. Then you feel hopeless, inadequate and unable to move. You get caught in this because you think these changing feelings are a function of just needing to get it together. You don’t understand why sometimes you feel so resolute and able to cope and other times, you are paralyzed. You cannot count on sustained feelings. And you think that you are the problem. Most likely your abuser tells you that as well. You often hear “if YOU would just…..” And the sad thing is you actually think that is the truth. It fits with how you feel on the inside.
You go back, or you stay. You make do because you feel you are not worth more or because you feel you have no skills, no way to support yourself. You are ashamed that you cannot resolve this. You hide it and act as if things are all right. People tell you that you should get out, you should leave, but you don’t. What is that about?
On some level you are “hooked” on the dance of beta-endorphin. The fights, the abuse, while on the surface seem horrible, on another level are creating the biochemistry that allows you to function. If you go away and don’t have the “hit” [literally and figuratively], you go into withdrawal. The old feelings of helplessness and inadequacy return. So you go back. You cannot see the dynamic. Your friends think you are nuts. You think they do not understand.
You heal the biochemistry. Doing the food, doing the steps changes everything. You get clear. Your sense of self creeps up on you. From the inside out. You start feeling ok and whole and capable. You start seeing the reality of the situation. Your beta-endorphin levels go up. Your serotonin levels rise. You are able to say no to sugar and white things. And something strange starts to happen. You start saying no to abuse. You say, “This won’t work for me.” You set boundaries. You are even and calm and clear.
After step 6, your beta-endorphin levels start to rise. You don’t need the “hit”. Read that again. You don’t NEED it. You are not hooked on the hit any more.
Now, if you haven’t done the food yet, this idea is going to seem totally outrageous to you. How in the world can breakfast have an impact on your abusive boyfriend or boss or parent? You are going to think I am totally off the wall. But I am not. This is a BIOCHEMICAL issue. Doing the food alters the biochemistry that makes you feel you deserve being put down or hurt. It alters the dance.
First of all, let’s define what I mean by “abuse” for this discussion. We typically have thought of “abuse” as hitting, but it is way more than that. Marlin Mousseau from Project Medicine Wheel in Pine Ridge ,SD presented a fascinating outline of the components of male violence against women. Let me share some of what he said with you. Marlin is talking about male abuse against women. It applies for either gender. If you are a woman, just change the language and see if this applies to you. Here are the flags:
- Using privilege : treating your partner like a servant, making all the big decisions, acting like a master of the castle and defining men’s and women’s roles.
- Using isolation : Controlling what she does, who she sees and talks to, and what she reads, limiting her outside involvement, using jealousy to justify actions.
- Using intimidation : making her afraid by using looks, action, gestures, smashing things, destroying her property, abusing pets, displaying weapons
- Using emotional abuse : putting her down, making her feel bad about herself, calling her names, making her think she is crazy, playing mind games, humiliating her, making her feel guilty
- Minimizing, denying and blaming : making light of the abuse and not taking her concerns seriously, saying that abuse didn’t happen, shifting responsibility for abusive behavior, saying she caused it
- Using children ; making her feel guilty about the children, using the children to relay massages, using visitation to harass her, threatening to take away the children
- Using economic abuse ; preventing her from working, making her ask for money, gaveling her an allowance, taking her money, not letting her know or access family income.
- Using coercion or threats : making and/or carrying out threats to do something to hurt her, threatening to leave her, to commit suicide, to report her to welfare, making her drop charges, making her do illegal things
- Spiritual abuse : Praying against her, defining spirituality as masculine, stopping her from practicing her ways, spiritual ways as threat, saying god does not allow divorce,
These are hard things to hear. You may find that some of them come a little too close for comfort. I am going to suggest something I suspect you have not heard. I believe that unbalanced biochemistry plays a HUGE part in abuse.
Low beta-endorphin means low self esteem. If you have low self-esteem, you learn to find ways to raise it so you can feel at least a little normal for some of the time. Sugar does this, alcohol does this…and…causing pain to others does it as well. If you are sugar sensitive, chances are you have both low beta-endorphin and low serotonin. Low serotonin means low impulse control. The words come out before you think. You smack before you dialogue. You drink a beer to feel ok. You eat a pint of ice cream to gather your feelings. Or you exercise, exercise to maintain control. When these “drugs” wear off you get edgy and the abuse streams out. You “hit” either with your hand or fist or with your words. And even though part of you does not like it, part of you feels way better. You feel in control and like you can cope.
The abuse makes your beta-endorphin spike up. Your self-esteem rises, you get a drug like response on a molecular level and the world is manageable. Until it wears off. Then you do it again. Thus the “cycle” of abuse continues.
Most people will tell you you need something like anger management. But to me that is simply treating the symptoms. Of course you need to learn impulse control and of course you need to learn new behavior, but just saying that is like telling an alcoholic or drug addict to “just say no.” The person in the middle of it finds that idea simply impossible. The trick is to change the biochemistry that gets you there. Balance it, increase serotonin, increase impulse control. Raise beta-endorphin and self esteem goes up. Repair the cause rather than treat the symptom.
As you start to look at this, of course you will think “she makes me” or “If she would just…. (Whatever, you can fill in the blank), I wouldn’t have to be this way.” A main hallmark of untreated sugar sensitivity is the big duo, blame and entitlement. You think it is her fault and that you deserve to be in charge. Those feelings are biochemical too.
Your victim is not making you do anything. And, usually she is dealing with her own biochemistry. Her sugar sensitivity creates low self-esteem. Being hurt raises it for her. The two of you find each other. The dance of abuse comes with the abuser and the abused. You may decide you want to change and it will be hard because she has patterns as well. Or she may decide to change and leave you in the dust facing your own behavior.
There is a way out. Doing the steps, in order, slowing and carefully will change your biochemistry. Changing your biochemistry will allow you to step out of a life that is no fun. It will create a platform for learning new behaviors. Rather than blame and entitlement, you will feel responsibility and wanting to solve the problem. Let’s look at the steps for changing your sugar sensitivity. I have adapted them some for guys. Your style of making change is a little different than for women. It should take 5-6 months to go through the steps. Do not rush. Do each one slowly and carefully.
1. Have breakfast with protein: this step has 4 parts
· Breakfast every day
· Breakfast within an hour of getting up
· Includes enough protein for your body. Take your total weight (up to 250) times .5 to get your daily amount of protein in grams. Eat 1/3 at each meal
· Include some form of complex carb such as whole grain bread or cereal.
2. Keep a log of what and when you eat and how you feel. Track when you get into trouble. Is it when you are tired or have not eaten for a while? Is it when you drink?
3. Eat 3 meals a day at regular intervals
· Eat at the same times every day
· Have the right amount of protein
· Have a complex carb
· Do not go more than 6 hours
4. Have a potato with the skin on it three hours after dinner. Put butter or olive oil on it as well. Have 3 vitamins – C, B complex and zinc
5. Switch from white carbs to whole grain carbs
6. Stop having sugars including alcohol
7. Do the things that raise beta endorphin
· Exercise
· Marital arts
· Prayer
· Meditation
· Sweats
· Sex (Not compulsive sex)
· Music
· Good food
· Good company
· Laughter
· Kids, dogs, cats,
· Fishing
As your biochemistry changes, you will find yourself better able to hear and to actually communicate with the people who were your victims. You will be more patient, more tolerant and more flexible. This may sound nuts…food can change you… but it is not. I have worked with thousands of guys. This is real and it works.
I am sure that some of what you are seeing how much biochemistry contributes to the dance of abuse. Abuse is a nasty thing. It hurts and ruins lives. And many abusers and victims feel stuck and have no idea why they cannot step out. Now you have some context. Now you can begin to make sense of why you act the way you do regardless of which side of the equation you are on.
No more blame. No more he said, she said. Step back and work on the balance part. Come over to www.radiantrecovery.com and learn how to do the food. Let us help you get balanced and ready for the change.
(c) Kathleen DesMaisons 2006. All rights reserved.
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